Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
Where do I go from here?

Quite literally. Another home? This here is my sixth within the past two years, and I don't have a seventh yet to go to. I don't want to leave. This little flat, as little and simple as it is, is my favourite home of those I've had since I left my childhood home. I felt well here, I felt home. I love this part of the city, the clocktower of the town hall I can see from my window, the colours and facets of life on the shopping mile just around the corner. I want to stay here. I want to keep this place that I have made the home of mine since I moved in, back in autumn.

Where do I go from here?

Now that I know I have to leave soon, I don't feel home here anymore. I don't feel welcome. This bed is mine now, but it will be another one's again in just a few weeks. Soon my things should disappear out of the wardrobe, my books from the shelf. This place won't remember that I have been here. I want to remember this place fondly, as my first loved home in some time, but now it feels strange and I am restless. How can I be here and cook and sleep and chill here when I need to go so soon? My parsley pot in the kitchen, my mails on the table, my boots next to the door - where will all that be in just a few weeks? Where will I be? What will I see when I look out of the window in some weeks from now?

Where do I go from here?

I am afraid, I am so afraid. Where I live, it is 1:45 am, and I should be in deep sleep right now. But I cannot sleep. My thoughts race in a circle, always again "what will become of me? where will I go? will I be homeless?" I want to sleep. I am tired, but nonetheless restless. What a day. I have cried, I have walked up and down the room a dozen times while my thoughts were trying to flee, to take me far off to a distant place that has no such thing as earthly borders and needs. I often do that. Dream myself away when this world overwhelms me with its tasks. It does not bring me forwards, but it cradles me in clouds and pillows, and I can forget for a while.

Where do I go from here?

It does not work now, I cannot dream myself away, cannot drift to sleep. I'm hammering letters and words into the PC as if it would help me to tell someone else about my worries. I guess it's much more likely that those people who read this will think that I'm crazy. Don't care too much. I have to do something to get rid of this panic, so I'll write it out into the world wide web. Seven billions of people on this wide, wide planet - I suppose there is someone out there who understands what my fear feels like and that I cannot keep it quiet right now.

Where do I go from here?

How comes I am so lonely with my worries and fears? I am so used to being alone with my panics and thoughts and problems. I'd like to call my mom, but she'll be working tomorrow, I cannot wake her up in the middle of the night. I want someone to go to, someone whom I would not be ashamed crying in front of. I have prayed today. I did not pray in years, it's usually not part of how I live my believings. But I felt so helpless and I wanted someone to be out there and hear me. I wanted someone to step into my head, call out "STOP!" and halt this spinning thoughts. Someone to call my self-sarcastic perspective up again so I can take a look at myself from the outside and shrug off like "oh, snap, in about ten minutes, she'll have it together again". I am caught inside this circle. I don't want to be afraid, I want to help myself, make plans, go to sleep and smile, for tomorrow all things will be regulated, but instead I'm sitting here awake.

Where do I go from here?

I think I'll listen to some music, maybe have a tea and my book. I have put it aside three days ago, I could actually read on. It is a nice story with not too much deeper meaning, more like a fairytale, it could help me getting out of my head. Or I could watch a Disney movie, one of those I can synchronize every single word from memory. Disney movies are wonderful, aren't they? Simple and clear, and you can always be sure of what comes in the end. People say that Disney is cheesy and unrealistic, but I think it helps children being still children, even when the world around them turns complicated. It eases the mind and comforts. It's a good idea for now. It's 2:15 am, but I can't sleep anyway, so why not.
Maybe I can go to sleep later.
Add a Comment:
 
:icondionnejinn:
DionneJinn Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2017
I was in a very similar situation about a year ago. Out of the blue my landlord said that we would have to terminate my contract. At first I panicked too, but in the end it all turned out well, better actually because I love my current flat. Just hang in there. Something will hopefully turn up soon and you get everything okay again. I keep wishing you all the best.
Reply
:iconeolewyn1010:
Eolewyn1010 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2017
I suppose I won't be in a total misery when I'm in a new flat - it's just that in my city it is very hard to find a place, even worse one a student could pay. Thank you for your comforting words though :)
Reply
:iconcarlottastudios:
CarlottaStudios Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2017  Student Writer
Damn, I hope you'll fel better soon. :(
Why do you have to leave?
Reply
:iconeolewyn1010:
Eolewyn1010 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2017
Thank you for your empathy :)

Because I'm merely the sub-tenant of the flat; the main-tenant was travelling for the last months, but now he comes home much earlier than I thought - he first told he'd not return to the city before august, now it's april.
Reply
:iconcarlottastudios:
CarlottaStudios Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2017  Student Writer
You're welcome my friend! :hug:

Oh, man. So he let you stay in his flat until he came back?
Reply
:iconeolewyn1010:
Eolewyn1010 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2017
Yes. It's just that, when I moved in, he said it was until the end of the summer.
Reply
:iconcarlottastudios:
CarlottaStudios Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2017  Student Writer
Oh man, I hope you're able to find somewhere new to stay soon. :(
Reply
:iconaranel125:
Aranel125 Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2017
Is it true? Why do you have to leave your home?
Reply
:iconeolewyn1010:
Eolewyn1010 Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2017
Because I'm merely the sub-tenant of the flat; the main-tenant was travelling for the last months, but now he comes home much earlier than I thought - he first told he'd not return to the city before august, now it's april.
Reply
:iconaranel125:
Aranel125 Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2017
Oh, I am sorry. What are you going to do?
Reply
:iconeolewyn1010:
Eolewyn1010 Featured By Owner Mar 12, 2017
Look for a room in a shared apartment. Maybe I can move in with some other students of my university.
Reply
:iconnelyasun:
Nelyasun Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2017  Hobbyist Artist
oh :(
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconeolewyn1010: More from Eolewyn1010


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
March 7
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
295
Favourites
0
Comments
12
×